2003-11-08 - 8:41 p.m.

One disaffected non-Christian Guy's Guide to the Xmas season:

1. Don't Stress.

2. Don't worry about the perfect gift, look for the unique gift.

3. Shop in a manner you are comfortable with.

4. Don't get discount gadgets for people; instead, look for tools and devices for their hobbies.

5. Save receipts.

6. Steal someone's parking spot at least once.

7. Thomas Kincaid, the "Painter of Light" is fucking stupid. Buy a compilation of comic strips by Darby Conley ("Get Fuzzy") or Bill Griffith ("Zippy the Pinhead") instead.

8. You didn’t like it when people bought socks for you, did you?

9. If you are sure they don't have the book, sign the frontispiece.

10. If you think they may have the book, don't bother with it.

11. Give up your parking spot at least once.

12. Shop in the malls with headphones on. Jingles suck.

13. Switch to classical, college or talk radio stations (jazz is sometimes ok too) between Thanksgiving and Xmas or skip the radio altogether and put on some CDs.

14. Don't stress.

15. Don't try to be extra cheerful.

16. Whenever possible, schedule Xmas parties after the New Year, call them "Epiphany Parties." This works well with the extended family. Buy calendars.

17. If you're single, fuck worrying about a date for New Year's.

18. If you need a laugh, find or download the Heat Miser's song from the stupid movie they play every year.

19. When someone wishes you a merry xmas or happy holidays, says you hope they enjoy their holiday that you celebrate, whether that be Yule, Ramadan, or whatever. Even better, say you want them to have a happy holiday that neither of you celebrate. Kwanzaa works well, so does St. Stephen's feast.

20. If protocol states that you can't wish someone a happy Yule or Kwanzaa, say you hope they have a happy New Year.

21. Don't proactively wish anyone a happy holiday unless you know them. Strangers don't care what your wishes are.

22. Do at least two of these: Give a substantial donation to Toys for Tots, a food pantry, or church. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or visit the disaffected at a prison, nursing home or hospital. Give blood.

23. Get all your receipts for your charitable giving before the end of the year.

24. Have Patience.

25. Avoid or limit contact to people who bring you down.

26. With a group of friends: get ripped on eggnog and go caroling door to door. Ask the people you visit to join you and see how big a party you can get.

27. Don't forget the origins of the season back in the olden days as an attempt to pep people up as they slowly starved and froze to death.

28. Organize contests to determine the gaudiest decorations in the community.

29. Don’t give at the little red bucket; the Salvation Army opposes reproductive rights.

30. Don't Stress, damn it! Don't fucking stress! Can't you be happy for one day out the year? Don't you see what this is doing to me? Now, don't cry, this is suppose to be a happy time, HAPPY TIME!

Finally:

31. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Hope this helps heaps-

-Jesse