2004-04-19 - 1:21 a.m.

Something like an abscess in space. Something you can only see by its non-existence. Something void of light and darkness, like twilight glinting. Something you don't know you don't know. Something like an unintentional betrayal by someone you hold dear. Something like facing the person you have become and not recognizing yourself. Something like a heart unbroken but not whole. A paradox.

Something hollow (hallow).

Is the void a sacred place? Can I curl up in the emptiness and call myself enlightened?

(Any thoughts, at least about the void being a sacred place, not so much about my satori levels, Silent One, Chris, Lia or Kae?)

I feel like I need to run away from the people of the world or drown myself in it. I don't feel like either is the solution. The one person I would most like to get away from is myself, but wherever I go, there I am, strangely enough.

Natural philosophers hold that the universe is knowable, but not yet know. That the totality of existence might someday be boiled down to list or a unified field theorem. The number of neural connections in the human brain is on the order of a billion times the number of atoms in the universe. Can we rule the world but not know ourselves? Are the mysteries of the human mind as deep as dark matter or will we map out our cerebellums in fifty years? Which would be preferable?

Psyche's shattered soul still screams in man, crying out for the youth cheated from her. Our brains boil with her angry cacophony; they seethe and stew to the rhythm of her dirge; they pulsate to her discordant chants.

I feel like, at 25, I should know myself better than I do. Like I should feel grown up or something.

I feel like I am just killing time, just taking lazy steps towards eventual death. I also feel that I am slowly becoming less introverted and more extroverted, but that I still don’t know how to fit into this role.

Did I mention the other day that I have been sleeping poorly?

Enough about me, here's more fun about li'l bro. Evan went to the Young Republicans convention in Boston over the weekend. On Friday he got so completely drunk the cops had to toss him in the drunk tank (which he doesn't remember). Obviously, he will not be invited back.

My folks had to bail him out on Saturday.

He left a lot of his stuff in the hotel room, like his shoes. I am told, when my mother went into the hotel to get his stuff, he stood behind a potted plant so he wouldn't be seen or recognized or whatever.

Dumbshit.